Where, O Death, is thy sting??

I found out this morning before chapel (4/26) that my Grandpa Howard (C. Dean Howard) passed away either last night or this morning (prayers for my family are much appreciated). I'm sure a lot of different thoughts ran through my mind. I thought about my grandpa and as a good protestant I thought about his salvific state. I knew my grandpa well, but he was a very quiet person. He didn't talk about matters of faith much and so while I knew him to be a genuinely good man (with faults like us all), a man who attended church, and a man who cared for people but expressed it in a stoic fashion, I am also somewhat unsure about his "spiritual state." I say that because in spite of this one my of first reflections was thinking on his death in light of Easter.

We are still living in the days between Easter and the Ascension and my thoughts are constantly on the resurrection of Christ. Even though I mourn my Grandpa's passing I shout even louder in my soul: "Where, O Death, is your sting!" Christ has indeed trampled down death by death and is Risen indeed. In spite of this death and even though I mourn I am reminded and rejoice because:

"Death has been swallowed up in victory."
"Where, O death, is your victory?
Where, O death, is your sting?"
The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

- 1 Corinthians 15:54-57

I'm baffled by this reaction. Yes, I'm sad and I weep, but truly death reminds me of the triumph of Christ. In the face of our enemies (sin, death, and the devil) we proclaim triumph. Praise the Lord. My heart proclaims the scriptures. They take on new meaning for me now. I am learning to breath them. The exhortations from the fathers are also becoming much more meaningful. My thoughts also drift to the Paschal homily of St. Chrysostom:

Let no one fear death, for the Death of our Savior has set us free.
He has destroyed it by enduring it.

He destroyed Hades when He descended into it.
He put it into an uproar even as it tasted of His flesh.
Isaiah foretold this when he said,
"You, O Hell, have been troubled by encountering Him below."

Hell was in an uproar because it was done away with.
It was in an uproar because it is mocked.
It was in an uproar, for it is destroyed.
It is in an uproar, for it is annihilated.
It is in an uproar, for it is now made captive.
Hell took a body, and discovered God.
It took earth, and encountered Heaven.
It took what it saw, and was overcome by what it did not see.
O death, where is thy sting?
O Hades, where is thy victory?

Christ is Risen, and you, o death, are annihilated!
Christ is Risen, and the evil ones are cast down!
Christ is Risen, and the angels rejoice!
Christ is Risen, and life is liberated!
Christ is Risen, and the tomb is emptied of its dead;
for Christ having risen from the dead,
is become the first-fruits of those who have fallen asleep.

To Him be Glory and Power forever and ever. Amen!

- Paschal Homily of St. John Chrysostom

Pleas don't misunderstand me. I do not rejoice in death, but rather death in it's crippled state reminds me of the triumph of our God!! I do not rejoice that my Grandfather is dead, on the contrary, I miss him and will undoubtedly grieve this more fully when i go home for his funeral. I mourn and I weep, I am sad and am broken, and although I'm unsure about my grandpa's salvific state, I am still hopeful for, as Paul says:

Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him.

- 1 Thess 4:13-14.

I suppose one could argue that I have yet to go through the full grieving process yet and thus these thoughts should not indicative of how I am suppose to feel and how I am suppose to think. One could also say that my thoughts will most assuredly change as I go through the prescribed process. To this my response is that we will see. Maybe those assertions are correct and maybe not. For right now, in my mourning and grieving I am sad and yet hopeful, broken and yet not destroyed, and emotionally crushed but not abandoned. For Christ is Risen and all things look new in that light! And so, I commit my Grandfather unto Christ our God and his boundless mercy.

Glory to the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, both now and forever! Amen.

- Ben


P.S. Please know that I didn't post this to create a sense of pity. I know you are all busy so please do not feel the need to call or anything. I know I am loved and supported by you all. But do pray for my family and for safe travel for me as I travel home and back for the funeral and then again in a couple weeks for my sister's graduation.

Being broken over the broken

I don't have much time to write, so I'll get to the point.

We just finished the first chapel, the opening communion service. I don't even know how to respond, I thought about waiting to post/journal/anything until I had time to collect my thoughts, but my fear is that if I wait my thoughts will cease to be clear. Not that they are clear now, I feel as if my heart was just ripped from my chest, as if the very heart of God was shown to me and it now burns within me.

I can't even begin to explain what happened in chapel, a play by play would not do it justice, nor would an audio recording. Being in that room, whith those people, worshipping God, truly worshipping God, with our hearts blows my mind. Yes, it shatters my paradigm everytime I enter that place. But today was different. I was broken, I wept and prayed in groans that only the Spirit knows, others wept and prayed in those same groans, because words will not do. Not Praying and weeping for us, but for the suffering of others, for the victims of katrina, for the starving in Niger, for those caught in the warn torn region of Iraq and others around the globe. The sobs arose from the congregation like the heart of God being poored back to him. We were communing, taking the Eucharist in rememberance of him. Declaring his death until he comes! The whole time realizing that he desires mercry, not sacrifice. Thinking: "What if repentance isn't about my personal bahavior management and more about being broken over the broken" (J.D. Walt, Dean of the Chapel).

And there we were, being broken over the broken. Some may attribute it to an emotional response, but I think it was something other than that. I believe it was the Holy Spirit moving in our midst, breaking us over the brokenness of others. Grafting us into the heart of God. Ripping out our hearts and placing in us the heart of Christ.

My heart has always been tender to those who are suffering, I have often wept for them, been burdened to pray for them, and give to them. But today was differnt. My perspective has changed. One could say that this is just a temporary, emotional, response; my reaction is I guess we'll see. But I truly believe that God met us in those elements today. That God spoke to us and that God did a work in this community, the likes of which I haven't seen. This community is open to the things of God, it is open to changing for him and hearing him speak. This is a good community to be formed in. I truly believe that here most people's hearts break for the things of God. This is good. After all: "What does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness [or mercy], and to walk humbly with your God?" (Micah 6:8 NRSV)