Who am I?

This comes from a conversation I had with a few friends last night around a fire. Yes, that's right around a fire... that's what we do here in rural PA, we have camp fires. We use to sit around them and just talk about meaningless things, but so far this year we've had a few good philosophical discussions. It's been really cool. Nevertheless, here is the discussion.

My friend was talking about drinking and how the real you shows up when you're drunk. You know, the uninhibited you, the you that says what you think without reservation. He seemed to think that this was the real you. His thoughts followed the argument, that it was the you that didn't care what other people thought, it was the self that said what he really thought and he liked it because there was no mask involved. He discussed how when one was drunk there was no facade.

Although I understand his points, and appreciate the discussion I think he might be wrong. I would rather think of the real me as the one that holds back random statements because they aren't most loving, or because they don't reflect Christ. I don't think the real me is the uncontrollable, to use Freudian language, "ID" but rather the "ID" in balance with the "Ego" and "Super Ego."

I'm not sure if I really like using Freudian language that much though. The above paragraph doesn't really convey what I think justice. I don't think I can define the real me in merely psychological terms or on a purely secular basis.

This is close to a discussion that Ryals and I had in March or April. We both had gone through periods where we thought that as we progressed in Christ we were becoming less "us." Although, at the time becoming less us we thought was a good thing, it didn't really satisfy. It still left me, and I think him, wanting to not leave the real self. We both had progressed in our thinking and concluded that we weren't really moving away from the real self, rather we were truly becoming more of who we were created to be! It was really great when we talked about it because we both had come to this conclusion on our own and then found that we both thought that way.

It seems to me that as I am formed more into the image of Christ, I am becoming less of the "flesh" (in the Pauline sense not the dirty Greek Dualistic sense) me, but I becoming more of the true me. It doesn't seem that my identity is defined by who I am at my birth but who I become. I think that the true me is the person who strives for holiness and morality. The person who desires to love people and value their feelings. I believe that the true me is the person that is being forming into the Nature of Christ and is seeking to know him in his death and sufferings.

Yes sometimes I fall, and and fail to act in a Christ-like way, because frankly sometimes I can be a jerk, but I don't think that failing to act that way reveals who I really am. I think it reveals a self that once dominated my life but still wasn't the true self.

My true self is in Christ and anything that deviates from that is a mere blemish on who I am. I desire to rid myself of these blemishes but that will come with growth over time.

So to address my friend's discussion with drinking, I don't think the uninhibited drunken me would be the true me, I believe that it would be a deviation from my true self. Yes real feelings may be represented but they wouldn't be filtered through my self, they would bypass me and move straight into action. I don't think those actions would be truly me, they would instead be a bastardization of my self.

I have been helped a lot lately in my spiritual walk by a song off of a Houghton Onething cd, the lyrics are as follows:

If I could only see myself, the way that you look at me with your eyes of flaming fire, my heart could be set free.

If only I could understand everything you see in me, I could truly grow into all I
was meant to be....

Whisper to my heart what I have been longing to hear all my days:
I am the one that you have forever set your affections on.
I am the one that you have forever fixed your eyes upon.
I am the one that you have chosen before the beginning of time.
To be your beloved, your pure and spotless bride.

I really don't' think that this blog is clear at all. So if anyone reads it I hope I don't confuse you (as I have myself), feel free to comment and let me know what you think.

Ben


** Just to save on any confusion, the "drunken me" is hypothetical - I have never been drunk, nor do I intend to. ** Just incase you were wondering.