Martyrdom

Over the past year I've had this weird sense that God has been preparing me to be a martyr for him. This sense has come and gone in various intensities, but it has always been in the back of mind. Sometimes I'm reminded of it during prayer, when I think about the future or especially when I read things from the Father's (and mother's) of the Early Church.

I use to be worried that my family wouldn't understand if I was martyred, but I don't feel that anymore. Lately it's been on my mind a lot and I'm not apprehensive about it or worried. I more boldness and a sense of security than ever.

Lately I've been praying similar to: "Lord, if you desire to bless me with the privilege of martyrdom let it be so." I'm not even sure why I've been praying it, but it's kind of weird.

I just have this overwhelming sense of the Sovereignty of God and that nothing can stop the purpose he has for my life and that I will continue to proclaim his word to his people no matter what.

This fire inside consumes me and I desire to speak and proclaim the gospel of Christ, no matter what happens. I long, oh how I long, to know Christ in his sufferings and in his death. Just as St. Paul the Apostle writes in his letter to the Philippians:

I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ, and may be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own derived from the Law, but that which is through faith in Christ the righteousness which comes from God on the basis of faith, that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death... [Philippians 3:8-10 NASB]

My heart is prepared to bear hardships for the gospel, something that Western Christendom has forgotten is part of the gospel [cf: John 15:18-21; 2 Tim. 3:12]. We live in a state of apathy and practice a Christianity that is barren and useless. We don't experience the power of God in our lives or in our Churches! We want to live so comfortably that we have forgotten what it means to give and to suffer, we neglect the poor and mislead the innocent and ignorant that Christianity is merely obligatory worship. This is a lie from the pit of hell! We cannot tolerate this Christianity any longer! Oh Lord, may you send your judgment on Western Christendom! May we turn from our wicked ways and rend our hearts and be your pure bride again. Let us not live lives that are frail and meaningless. Draw us into intimacy with you and let us worship you out of a broken heart and a love for the Triune God that consumes us and will not allow us to live that look no different from the world. Oh Lord, let us be a people that lives our lives as to die of the gospel.

Some are ready Lord, more than we think, use those who are ready to call your church back. Lord bring the storm so that we can feel the flood of your Spirit sweep away the deadness of the Church. Prepare us to truly be your pure and spotless bride.


Sorry for preaching, the bloc turned into a compilation of a sermon that I'm writing to preach July 3, a few dreams and visions that I've had lately (one that I'm just beginning to understand) and some thoughts that have been boiling in me for a long time.

May you truly live your life as to die for the Gospel!


Ben

Who am I?

This comes from a conversation I had with a few friends last night around a fire. Yes, that's right around a fire... that's what we do here in rural PA, we have camp fires. We use to sit around them and just talk about meaningless things, but so far this year we've had a few good philosophical discussions. It's been really cool. Nevertheless, here is the discussion.

My friend was talking about drinking and how the real you shows up when you're drunk. You know, the uninhibited you, the you that says what you think without reservation. He seemed to think that this was the real you. His thoughts followed the argument, that it was the you that didn't care what other people thought, it was the self that said what he really thought and he liked it because there was no mask involved. He discussed how when one was drunk there was no facade.

Although I understand his points, and appreciate the discussion I think he might be wrong. I would rather think of the real me as the one that holds back random statements because they aren't most loving, or because they don't reflect Christ. I don't think the real me is the uncontrollable, to use Freudian language, "ID" but rather the "ID" in balance with the "Ego" and "Super Ego."

I'm not sure if I really like using Freudian language that much though. The above paragraph doesn't really convey what I think justice. I don't think I can define the real me in merely psychological terms or on a purely secular basis.

This is close to a discussion that Ryals and I had in March or April. We both had gone through periods where we thought that as we progressed in Christ we were becoming less "us." Although, at the time becoming less us we thought was a good thing, it didn't really satisfy. It still left me, and I think him, wanting to not leave the real self. We both had progressed in our thinking and concluded that we weren't really moving away from the real self, rather we were truly becoming more of who we were created to be! It was really great when we talked about it because we both had come to this conclusion on our own and then found that we both thought that way.

It seems to me that as I am formed more into the image of Christ, I am becoming less of the "flesh" (in the Pauline sense not the dirty Greek Dualistic sense) me, but I becoming more of the true me. It doesn't seem that my identity is defined by who I am at my birth but who I become. I think that the true me is the person who strives for holiness and morality. The person who desires to love people and value their feelings. I believe that the true me is the person that is being forming into the Nature of Christ and is seeking to know him in his death and sufferings.

Yes sometimes I fall, and and fail to act in a Christ-like way, because frankly sometimes I can be a jerk, but I don't think that failing to act that way reveals who I really am. I think it reveals a self that once dominated my life but still wasn't the true self.

My true self is in Christ and anything that deviates from that is a mere blemish on who I am. I desire to rid myself of these blemishes but that will come with growth over time.

So to address my friend's discussion with drinking, I don't think the uninhibited drunken me would be the true me, I believe that it would be a deviation from my true self. Yes real feelings may be represented but they wouldn't be filtered through my self, they would bypass me and move straight into action. I don't think those actions would be truly me, they would instead be a bastardization of my self.

I have been helped a lot lately in my spiritual walk by a song off of a Houghton Onething cd, the lyrics are as follows:

If I could only see myself, the way that you look at me with your eyes of flaming fire, my heart could be set free.

If only I could understand everything you see in me, I could truly grow into all I
was meant to be....

Whisper to my heart what I have been longing to hear all my days:
I am the one that you have forever set your affections on.
I am the one that you have forever fixed your eyes upon.
I am the one that you have chosen before the beginning of time.
To be your beloved, your pure and spotless bride.

I really don't' think that this blog is clear at all. So if anyone reads it I hope I don't confuse you (as I have myself), feel free to comment and let me know what you think.

Ben


** Just to save on any confusion, the "drunken me" is hypothetical - I have never been drunk, nor do I intend to. ** Just incase you were wondering.

Church Growth Movement.... Reconsidered???

Hmmm... how do I put this.

I know that the subject will certainly be intriguing to you all, and hopefully you're not thinking that I've gone completely crazy. I swear I'm not crazy, and I do still fiercely disagree with the church growth movement, but I have been doing some thinking prompted by some recent reading and since you are all my close friends and know my hatred for this movement I thought I would share them with you.

I have been thinking a lot lately (and by lately I mean mostly today, in fact the last 20 min... maybe 10min) and I have come to realize that I would describe myself, much like Wesley did with Calvinism, as a hair's-breadth from the Church Growth Movement.

Yes my friends, that is right, i am wIllingly describing myself as a hair's-breadth from being a Church Growth Guru. Crazy!

So here is why I have concluded it. I have been reading a lot of 1900's revivalist literature lately (recently one book, but in the past many others, Tozer is 1940s-50s late/post-revivalism so the "force is strong in me") and obviously I love it. I love the old school holiness preachers, they definitely rock my face off!!

One thing that many of the revivalists have in common is their strong emphasis on the moving of the Holy Spirit. They are constantly calling the church back to its dependence on the Holy Spirit. The argument is that "we are not seeing results" and thus we must not be depending on the Holy Spirit, we must not be filled with the Holy Spirit and we must be doing something wrong. I know that one could argue these premises but for the moment I think I will accept them, just because I think there is some truth in statements like that. The argument then follows that if we were filled with the Holy Spirit we would be seeing massive conversions and huge results like in the book of Acts (you probably can see where I'm going with this).

I like this logic, I truly do believe that if the church was working in the power of the Holy Spirit we would see more signs and wonders, but also we would see a great conviction of sin fall over the church and multitudes converted and filled with the Holy Spirit.

Well, the emphasis on fruit being the proof of the movement of the Holy Spirit seems logical but this is where we get into hot water. We must be careful to discern fruit, but it is truly hard. This is why i have come to think (as of today) that the Church Growth Movement Is mostly founded in 20th century revivalism. (McGavran, after all did develop the theory in the 1960's while working as a missionary in India. He would have undoubtedly been influenced by and have read the writing of many revivalists in his missional training.)

That is a horribly scary thought for me, because I always wanted to embrace one and reject the other. Now I am finding that I have to pick and choose carefully (which I knew, but didn't want to admit) about what is good. I think the revivalists have some points but I am willing to stop when they focus strictly on results (which is mostly why our revivalistic denominations Wesleyan, C&MA, etc insist on constant conversion and sanctification reports).

We must desire fruit, we must cry and plead with God for fruit, but we cannot focus on the fruit as the sole purpose. The biggest flaw I find with revivalistic literature is that there is no room for edifying the believers because their view is that the only desire we should have should be for the lost (hmmm sound familiar?). The argument here is "there is nothing that will deepen Christian experience, edify believers and build them up in the Faith so rapidly and thoroughly as seeing souls saved." (The Revival We Need - Oswald J. Smith - 1902) This sole focus also neglects having a sole focus that pursues intimacy with the Father.

I seem to have lost my train of thought... hmmm go figure, it is me after all. Now I have really lost my train of thought because Justin just called me and then I went and ate dinner. Hmmm.... let me think....

Ok, back again.

It seems to me that our focus should be on intamcy and edification because I feel evangelism will be a natural result and outcroping of that. Just as Eckles' chapel (Dr. Eckely for you non-religion majors) reminded us (and I was reminded by Eryn and Spear of this) that the movement of the Holy Spirit for God's people should be a predominantly outward movement. It only blows in on God's people so that they (and it) can blow out and reach the nations. This is the theme of Acts as stated in Acts 1 (witnesses in Jerusalem, Judea, Samaria, and to the ends of the earth) which prefaces the recording of the Spirit's movement.

So I really don't know where I"m going with all this, except to say that these are some recent thoughts and I find it really iteresting how something that I despise is partially founded in something that I absolutely love.

But all this to say that I am still viemently opposed to the Church Growth Movement and still view myself as a Holiness preacher (in the line of Tozer... wheeew). I value revivalism but I now have another 5 pages or so to add to my church Growth movement paper. I guess there are dangers in everything, but oh well.

So thanks for reading my thoughts and fee free to comment and tell me how awesome I am for thinking theologically during summer break and applying things I've learned to my summer pleasure reading, or to tell me that I'm completely wrong and that I suck at life.

Oh... and as I was sitting here writing this email I realized just how awesome and unique I am. Although this isn't incrediblly deep theology, but either way it's still theology and I have been doing it while listening to hardcore rock music and rap music. I bet ya Luther and Wesley couldn't do that!!! And especially not Calvin and Bultmann!!!
I RULE!!! =)


Blessings to you all.
May you be drawn closer to the Father through the Son and the Power of the Holy Spirit each day!!!


Ben

An email I sent a few people the other day

This is an emal that I sent a few friends the other day. I thought I would post it on here for all to read.


My dear friends,

I just want to apologize for all the rude and cutting comments I made about Rick Warren's purpose driven life. I have been reading and doing the 40 days of purpose with my home pastor and have found it to be absolutely enlightening. It is really starting to change my life, the way that I think, act, live, everything. I am being completely transformed by this book. It is truly a God-send in my life. I really feel bad for all the comments I made to people chastizing it, because i"m afraid they may not read it now. It is truly sent from the Lord.

I think i'm finally starting to find my purpose in life. I realize that the last 7 years I've been faking myself thinking that I was called into full time ministry. That's really not my purpose! My purpose is to be part of something bigger. I"m not sure what this bigger is yet, but I know its out there. I know that I can't keep messing around with small stuff and relationships. I know God has a really big purpose for me and that right now i'm not fulfilling it and going to seminary isn't going to fulfill it and being part of full-time ministry isn't going to help me reach that purpose.

So please be praying for me that God will continue to show me the purpose he has for me and that I will continue to be "driven" (I know it sounds cheesy but it fits) by that purpose.

I'm exploring a couple options right now and i'm not sure what to do but I know that the first thing I have to do is get plugged into a good paying job for a few years and pay off my school loans. If I can do that and go and get a degree in business at the same time I think i should be pretty good. I just have to find a small community college near here that isn't too expensive. I'm thinking JCC (Jamestown Community College in Olean) or OBI (Olean Business Institute). I may be able to get a leg up in the programs because of my Houghton credits, but I'm not sure.

Thanks a ton, and really you should all read the Purpose Driven Life... and find someone to do the 40 days of purpose with too. I'm really serious it has changed the way I think about everything, i can't believe how different I am now. It seems like i'mthinking so clearly, really read it!


May you too be driven by God's purpose for your life,


Ben




Oh hey, I almost forgot, here is a link to one of the other things that i'm thinking about doing if I don't go to a community college to get a business degree. http://larknews.com/may_2005/secondary.php?page=1



If you looked at the link, you obviously know that this one is a joke. I still think the Purpose Driven life is crap, but I thought this email was a little funny. I hope you laughed to.

The Begining

This is my blog, and hopefully you will find what I post on here interesting and enlightening. More than that, however, I hope that something on here will edify your spirit and draw you closer to the Father.

I will try to post regularly, but I'm not guaranteeing anything. However, I will definitely post when I have something that I think is interesting on my mind. I will try to keep this blog from frivolous rambling and will post primarily my theological and spiritual thoughts as God reveals himself to me.

So read on and may the words that you find here cause you to think, ponder, and fall deeper in love with the blessed Trinity!

For those who didn't catch it, the title of the blog is from A.W. Tozer's book The Pursuit of God. You should all read it.

Blessings,

Ben