When paradigms collide

As most of you know I spent the summer living in Duluth, MN working for an organization called Youthworks. While you probably know from a previous post that I spent the summer facilitating short-term missions for Jr. High students, I do believe that I forgot to mention that every Tuesday we would take the groups that came to our site to a 'soup kitchen' to dine and fellowship with the people who ate there. While not everyone was homeless (though some were) most were among the poor of the city. This was a great stretch for me this summer. It made me uncomfortable and it pulled me out of my comfort zone (just like so much of the summer) but by the time the summer ended I looked forward to Tuesday nights and the people that I would meet.

Last week, about 3-5 weeks after my meals at the Mission had come to an end, I found myself working on the sound crew for an very prestigious show here in Lexington. The artist was Aretha Franklin, but the event was the TOBA (Thoroughbred Owners and Breeders Association) annual award ceremony. So while I'm use to seeing a ton of money dropped on concerts I don't know if I've ever seen money like this before. The event was in a large tent on a beautiful horse farm here in KY. The tent, however, was floored, carpeted and air-conditioned. Aside from the regular light trussing for the concert there was a light truss that ran the entire length of the tent on which hung three giant chandeliers (maybe about 7' tall x 3' around). I also heard rumors, which I wasn't able to verify, that the event was about $3,000 a plate.

I was both awed and disgusted by the money put into this event. To make matters worse the event was opened with an invocation which was prefaced by the reading of Jeremiah 29:11 "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" I love it when bible passages are taken out of context to justify gross amounts of wealth and self-indulgence (this is not to say that I'm 100% innocent of this).

As the awards went on I began to think that just a few weeks before this event I was eating dinner with the poor and neglected and now I was sitting in the background amongst the wealthy, powerful, and oppressive. As I sat in the disbelief of this realization one of the presenters gave an impassioned speech about how everyone in attendance needs to be aware of the sad reality that the thoroughbred industry is not considered agricultural by the US government and thus they still have to do horrible things like pay taxes on horse food and whatnot. I just sat in disbelief, could this person even be arguing that thoroughbred breeding and racing should be a tax-exempt industry?!

I pretty much just sat in the numb and saddening reality of the smash-up of my two worlds until Aretha came on stage and I had to do work.


After tearing down from the concert and getting a solid 4 hours of sleep I woke up the next morning (Sunday) to go run sound for Questapalooza an event held by one of the Lexington churches (a C&MA church I might add) where Toby Mac was the headliner. I knew from working this show last year, that the day would be full of chaos, poor event management, and very bad theology, but I was still saddened and angered by what I saw.

Not only did I see the huge stage, sound equipment and lighting that my company provides, but I also saw carnival rides, a motocross jump, carnival food vendors, and swimming pools for baptism. While things such as the fake-ness, the foundational concepts that church is built on, the re-baptizing, the 'worship' music, and many other things bothered me greatly I would like to focus on one small part of the larger whole that I think will tie into the discussion above - namely the theme of the event.

The theme for Questapalooza as best as I could understand was "Loving our city through Questapalooza!" It seemed to me that what they meant by this is that they were giving the city a party so they could relax and enjoy (at about a $20 entry fee mind you), but also that they were going to give away things to people such as a Wii, an iphone, and a new car. To be honest I think they may have also collected food or raised money for some shelters or organization in Lexington but this was only mentioned once (very briefly) compared to the party terminology and the give-aways being mentioned a countless number of times. In fact the point was hammered home by the senior pastor (who was, to my shame, both a Houghton College and Asbury Seminary graduate) that Quest likes to give gifts because God likes to give us gifts. After giving away the car the pastor also said: "Just know that that's Jesus, that car is from Jesus." While this oozes with heretical prosperity theology tendencies, I am not going to rule out that God does provide for our physical needs. He may have indeed prompted this person to buy a raffle ticket and guided the pastor's hand to that ticket so she could win a car. What, however, I will react definitively against is a church and a concept of God that ties love so closely to material things and goods.

With a theme like "Loving our city through Questapalooza!" I can only assume that the people of the church and maybe even the pastor are being deceived. I can think of so many more worthy places to spend what was likely over $100,000. Just so you don't think I'm totally making this figure up let me explain how I get it. Last summer our mobile stage usually rented out for $10,000 a show not including audio and lighting (maybe another 10 grand or so?). When I was in college I inquired about booking Third Day ($70,000 at the time) and since Toby isn't as big as Third Day I'd estimate about $30,000. So at a rough estimate we're talking about $50,000 (with very conservative estimates) which doesn't include the two opening bands, food for all the volunteers, the carnival rides, the moto-cross riders (and building their jump), renting port-a-johns, hotel for the bands, and the fireworks amongst other expenses.

On top of the expense of the event it was also interesting to note that when I stood on stage and looked out I primarily saw the green volunteer t-shirts. So i'm baffled as to how Questapalooza is an example of love to the city of Lexington. It seems to me that at the very least a church shows love to a city by discipling believers to live lives full of God and at the most by serving the poor and needy of that city. I thought loving a city was doing things like I did this summer: meeting people, loving on them, eating with them, serving them and not throwing them a concert that many of them don't have interest in and don't want to spend $20 to go to. $100,000 could do a lot of things and help a lot of people and I am truly ashamed that a church in the denomination I grew up in is the force behind Questapalooza.

With that said let me make it clear that the people I met at quest were very kind even if they did have some sort of cultish affection for Quest. I also know that many other churches do this on both larger and smaller scales. Yes, they do it, but that does not make Quest any more right and these churches any more shameful.

So there is my story as to how my paradigms collided last weekend. I still have a hard time believe that just a few weeks ago I was eating with some homeless people and teaching kids about being part of a church that serves in love and last week I was sitting at a $3,000/plate dinner and part of a church event that somehow implicitly teaches (heretically so) that the love of God is best displayed by throwing cash around and having a big party.

May all of us better learn how to love God and love our neighbor as ourselves.


- Ben

Final thoughts from a great summer

Let me start this post by saying that the summer I had in Duluth working for Youthworks was wonderful. I loved the work that we did and even more I loved the 3 people that I worked with every day. If I was guaranteed having a staff like the one I had this summer I would sign up for Youthworks again in an instant.

With that in mind I've been wanting to post for a while what I think is the most significant thing I feel I've learned this summer. As I talked to my staff at the end of the summer they expressed that this was a summer of growth for them. While I think that I grew this summer, I realize that my growth was less traditional than I would have anticipated. I think that my growth was through a few realizations I had this summer about my personality and about ministry in general.

The most profound thing that I realized was something that I already knew in part but nevertheless something that became part of a fuller realization. Throughout the summer I struggled a lot with feelings of loneliness and thus times of depression. While my staff was wonderful there were still countless times that I didn't quite feel that I fit in for various reasons but the most significant being merely the fact that I was the Site Director and thus I was, for lack of better description, "their boss."

Being the introspective person that I am, I thought about this for the summer and realized that this loneliness is, and will ever be, part of my life. While I have great friends and will likely make friends wherever I go, I will never fit in entirely. If I continue to pursue the calling that God has placed on my life (which I fully intend to do) I will perpetually be "Pastor Ben" and will never just be "Ben," just as during the summer it was not possible for me not to always live as "Site Director Ben." There will always be this sort of not fitting in as part of my life. Given this knowledge and my personality I also can infer that there will always be some form of loneliness in my life.

While I don't want to make the case that this is a part of ministry for all people, I do believe that this is the case for me. Does it suck? Yes! But, in my opinion, it's part of what I'm called to. While I don't believe that I'm called to loneliness and depression, I do believe that I am called into full-time ministry and for me and my personality it may just entail perpetual times of loneliness and hints of depression. And with this realization I still gladly say, "so be it, Lord have mercy."

Even in this the Lord has given me peace and still know without a doubt that I am called into ministry and it is good. This is what the Lord was speaking into me through the summer. He was allowing me to realize bits and pieces of the ramifications of the service into which I'm being called. Maybe this won't be the case my whole life but it seems to be part of who I am and how my personality deals with being in ministry.

I penned this in my journal this summer:

...I will always be "Pastor" and not just friend, just like now I am perpetually Site Director and not Ben. I have lost my identity...Is this the loneliness to which I am condemned? or rather not condemned, but called to rejoice in.

It seems to me that this was an essential realization of part of the cost for me of the ministry to which I am called into. While I learned a lot through these thoughts one of the best things was being able to end my time as Site Director and just relate to my staff as their friend. I can't wait until I can see them again and be able to just be friends and not have to be their Director. True, I will never be able to fully lay aside my heart for their spiritual growth as I saw myself as a Pastor to them this summer, but it will still be nice to have some of the baggage removed.

So I'm not sure if any of this makes sense. Maybe it's just hard to articulate since it's been a while since I was in Duluth, but either way it makes sense in my mind.

I dialogged a lot with Ryals on this issue over the summer. He has a few posts concerning foreseeable Pastoral loneliness on his blog. There are a few posts specifically about this issue and then some thoughts weave through his other posts.

Blessings,

Ben